Logically, the first place you might look to rectify this is to provide individuals with a chance to learn what their strengths are to begin with, so they can identify where their potential contributions lie. But what happens when you take a strengths assessment, and come back with five new words that describe you—words like Context, Empathy, Maximizer, Relator, or Deliberative. These are great strengths, but how does someone understand how their strengths actually show up in real life? How do we come to transfer this knowledge into meaningful action and real results within our present role? THAT is the million dollar question!

This question and the need for individuals to see their strengths within the context of their day-to-day activities led to the creation of a tool which is designed to measure the use of strength, and not just provide names and descriptions of strengths. It goes beyond the StrengthsFinder 2.0, DiSC, or Myers-Briggs (or other strengths instruments) to look at one’s activities as they reflect the use of their strengths.

The Strengths Effectiveness and Engagement (SEE) Assessment provides an at-a-glance view of where individuals are performing from Strength—and where they are not. The SEE report includes a scatterplot diagram of their activities, showing which activities demonstrate both high performance and high energy (Strength), high performance and low energy (Competence), low performance and low energy (Weakness), and low performance and high energy (Affinity).

The premise behind the instrument is that living from Strength is about experiencing both high performance and high energy in any given activity.[2] It is different from Competence, which is merely concerned with performance. A person might have knowledge, skill, and even talent, which allows them to perform competently–but without passion and energy, ongoing time spent in Competence may lead to burn-out, and declining performance. It is also true that time spent focusing on weaknesses leads to a 28% reduction in performance[3]—not to mention the impact on engagement and productivity that results from completing activities where both performance and energy are low.

The SEE Assessment is an important self-awareness tool, to help individuals proactively shape their role toward increasing their time in strengths.[4] It also provides a valuable development gauge, to help individuals determine where potential strengths might be grown, and how to bring existing strengths to activities where energy or performance might be improved.

Where are you playing strong in your life? Which activities are merely activities which reflect your Competence, but actually drain your energy? Where are you trapped in Weakness-driven activities? What can you do to spend more time in your A+ Zone?

Most strengths assessments on the market have a reasonable track record for reliability, in that repeating the assessment provides very similar results. I love StrengthsFinder 2.0 and it is most definitely my tool of choice, given its robust and deeply individualized revelation of strengths patterns, and its test-retest reliability of 79.6%.

While reliability is important, it is nearly impossible to determine validity. An assessment may be valid according to the individual, but not necessarily entirely consistent with how others see the strengths of that person. Generally speaking, we are typically not good judges of ourselves and our own abilities. 98% of the clients I have worked with over the past 18 years inaccurately estimate their most significant strengths, when compared with others’ view of them.

If a person is going to step into his/her full potential, it seems valuable to understand the strengths that others see, of which that individual is unaware. It is also prudent to recognize where an individual may believe strength to exist, and to realize that others do not see that strength exhibited. It provides a powerful mirror for individuals to see clearly where they are using their strengths effectively, and where they may not be.

Consider the Johari Window tool, which has been in existence for many years, and how it may broaden one’s perspective of his/her strengths. It invites individuals to see themselves through the lens of what is Known to Self and Known to Others (Open), along with what is Known to Self and Unknown to Others (Blind). It also looks at what is Known to Self and Unknown to Others (Hidden), as well as what is Unknown to Self and Unknown to Others (Unknown).

Let’s consider why it matters that we become aware of what we are Blind to, or what may be Hidden.

If you and I are co-workers, and you see things in me, of which I am unaware (I am Blind to), that may create expectations of me that I may not necessarily agree with or feel comfortable about.  It can create frustration, communication breakdown, and a loss of trust in the relationship.  Knowing what you see, and understanding the impact of my behavior, can give me greater confidence in showing up in ways that serve us both.

Many of us have strengths which we tuck away in Hidden, for various reasons—our fear of being vulnerable, our concerns about the strengths not being valued, wanting to be humble, feeling overwhelmed and not wanting anything more expected of us may be some of our reasons.  Consider the loss to you if others around you do not really see your strengths:

• You miss out on the joy of using your strengths to make a difference for others, and the energy that comes with it.
• You may find yourself trapped doing things you love less, or contributing in ways that are not as meaningful to you, simply because others are unaware of what you have to bring.
• You miss out on the growth that comes from applying your strengths to new situations, and being stretched in ways that are empowering and exhilarating to you.
• You may feel undervalued and underappreciated, wondering why others do not make use of what you have to contribute—when the reality is that they are simply unaware, and you don’t know that they don’t know your strengths.

Others also lose when your strengths remain Hidden. You may have the very perspective, the very strength, the very puzzle piece that someone else needs, but they don’t know where to find it. If your puzzle piece is held back from the equation, the synergy that could come from your gifts is lost, and the solution to a problem may take longer in coming, or the challenges you are facing may remain in a swirl of emotion because your clarifying contribution is missing.

Where are you Blind to the strengths and contributions you are unknowingly bringing? What is Hidden from others’ view, which needs to be revealed—for you and for others’ sake? How will you find out?

While the goal of the weekly meeting was to help John get focused and improve his performance, it actually deepened his disengagement, because he heard a completely different message: You are not good enough. You are not acceptable. We are not happy with you. John was running the message through the lens of his own strengths, which were all about Relationship Building.

Even though his achiever-boss had good intentions, maybe even cared about him, his approach to John came from his Executing domain, and he was offering John what he, himself, would have needed or wanted if he was not performing well. He was not giving John what John needed in order to improve his performance.

John was on a team of individuals, whose primary domain of strength was Executing. The team was largely driven by the work itself—the intrinsic reward of work was the completion of it, and the rush that comes in finishing a task. The assumption was that this is what it means to be a “good” worker—you must simply love to work on tasks. You must be excited by the finish line. You must push and push to make sure you get all your Things to Do List completed by the end of the day—and stay until you do. That is what real workers do.

Funny thing is that John did not despise work. He simply found joy in working for a completely different reason: he worked to serve others. He needed to know that he was helping someone, making a difference somehow, and that others were pleased with him as a person. The relationship with others was the driver for the work—not the work itself.

In an Executing culture, where the Relationship Building perspective was not well-understood, John learned quickly that his different approach to work was not valued or validated by others.  Soon, he began to feel like he was not valued by others.  As he drew that conclusion his performance suffered even more, which deepened the criticism of his peers. It was a toxic triangle trap, and he did not know how to break the cycle. He began to drink heavily until alcoholism overtook him. His personal relationship suffered, and depression became his companion.

That is when I met John.

We sat together looking at his 34 strengths compared to his team’s strengths, specifically zooming in on the team’s top 10 and bottom 10 strengths, and how they compared to his top 10 and bottom 10 strengths. He was stunned to discover that seven of his top 10 strengths were in the team’s bottom 10 strengths—and 4 of his bottom 10 strengths were in the team’s top 10 strengths. Literally, he did not understand the team or its culture, and they did not understand him or his perspective.

This scenario plays out over and over again, in organizations everywhere. Execution after all, is the focus of most organizations, and is the primary domain of strength in the majority of organizations. This works well for individuals whose strengths are aligned with the Executing domain, whose needs will be met readily in an executing culture, and where the assumptions being made about what is important and how we should approach work are similar. What about those whose strengths are different? What questions should we be asking that will help us take into account the strengths of others who are not like us?

Here are a few questions you might consider trying on for size if you find yourself wondering how to bridge that gap:

• What was your happiest day at work? What were you doing? What was exciting about your work? 
• What do you love about your work? 
• What do you need to be at your best? 
• What do you wish was different in your current role?

Answering these questions provides important clues to the strengths of others, and what those strengths need in order to perform with excellence. After all, if a person can perform from their strengths, have others around them receive their strengths and understand their needs, there would be no low performers. There would be no toxic triangle behavior, since unmet needs and the desire to contribute our strengths is almost always at the root of toxic behavior.  Imagine how that would change your work experience?

“If you can understand why a person behaves as they do, it is much easier to forgive and let go of what they have done—and to find a better way of being together in a relationship. That is when the relationship moves from troubled, to high performing. It changes everything!”

Everyone has been hurt sometime by someone who is different. Sometimes those experiences leave scars on our hearts and leave us feeling self-conscious, inadequate, or questioning our own worth or value. When conflict and differences are not understood, after a while we begin to play small. We withhold our contributions. We are afraid to be vulnerable in sharing our unique gifts and perspective, and it impacts our ability to feel energized, engaged, and to perform at our very best.

But what if—what if—the differences can be explained by comparing and contrasting our strengths? What if I could look at you, notice how your strengths inform your perspective, how they drive what you need, and realize that the behavior that you exhibit is connected to those strengths? What if I can explain the very things that make me most crazy about you as your strengths trying to manifest—maybe even trying to serve us, if I could see and embrace them as valuable? How would that change my perspective?

What if you are a brilliant strategic thinker, and you draw energy from zooming out, seeing the world through the 30,000 foot view, imagining out-of-the-box possibilities, envisioning multiple outcomes and pathways to get there? You need time, information, a sounding board, data, and context about what has happened in the past—you may also try to give me those things, thinking that what I need is what you need. What if I am gifted at executing—I love the details, the systems and structures, the rules, boundaries, and practical timelines, things-to-do-lists, and clear goals and plans? You may make me crazy, and I may make you crazy, as I keep trying to translate your 30,000-foot view into something actionable before you are ready. I may be trying to give my strengths to you, thinking that is what you want—and you are doing the same to me.

Now, let’s add one more layer to that, which is often true-to-life: imagine that I am inclined toward both the Executing and Relationship Building domain, so I need personal connection, meaningful conversation, and a warm, open, authentic relationship with you in order for me to be at my best. I am coming toward you, reaching out to you, drawing you toward me in a very personal way, when you, as a Strategic Thinker, especially when you are stressed or uncertain, would be pulling away from me, trying to zoom out in order to get perspective, to get your bearings and see where to go next. Imagine the misunderstanding that might create! You would be leading mostly with your head—while I would be translating your actions with my heart. My needs may conflict directly with yours—especially when you are in the swirl of the strategic thinking process.

This very scenario plays out often. Many organizations hire brilliant leaders, strong in Strategic Thinking, and sometimes Influencing, who are often called upon to lead individuals who are most strong in the Executing and Relationship Building domains. The needs of each of those domains of strength are so different. Leaders are trying to bring their strengths—and from within the perspective of their strengths lens, they are giving people what they think they want: information, data, and a lot of space and time to do their work. Not that those in the Relationship Building or Executing domains don’t want those things, but their strengths have some slightly different needs: they need a personal connection, face time, to have their voice taken into account. They need clear, measurable, meaningful goals they can attach to, with clear timelines. They need their leaders to create accountability, to follow through on what they say they will do, and to show progress toward the vision.

If the needs of our strengths are not met, it can create a disconnect that can translate into criticism, low morale, and sometimes individuals make it personal—they feel hurt, not valued, and hopeless about the relationship. Turnover and absenteeism are two good indicators that this is occurring at some level in the organization, as individuals are inclined to quit relationships more than jobs, or avoid coming to work—when their needs are not being met.

Enter: Strengths. What if you and I could sit down and have a real conversation about how we work, about our unique perspectives? What if you understood your strengths well enough that you could tell me about Strategic Thinking, and how that informs what you can bring to me and what you need? What if I could teach you about the Relationship Building and Executing domains, and how my strengths can serve your vision, as well as what they need in order to do so? What if we understood one another?

This past week I watched this exact scenario play out. I saw individuals who have been at painful odds for years with one another in their work relationships sit down with their 34 strengths lists in front of them. Every time—and I mean every time—when we took an honest look at the root of the conflict, what we uncovered was that three or four strengths in one person’s top 10 list were the very same strengths that fell in the other’s bottom 10 list. When we paused, explained the behavior from within the context of strengths, identified what the strengths were trying to contribute, or what they needed, a light of understanding exploded into the space.

Differences suddenly were seen without judgment. Sorrow for past pain was expressed, with a genuine request to begin again with new understanding. Plans were made for how to respond differently, taking into account the other’s differences. Grace was extended for mistakes made in the past. I saw healing. I saw hope.

What if this could happen for you? Where do you want healing and restoration to occur? What do you need to know about yourself—or about the other person—so this could be true for your important relationships? The answer is in your strengths, and in theirs, in understanding the contributions and needs of each person. What will you do today to make this change a reality? 

“If only I had more resources, THEN…”

“If only THEY would…”

Sound familiar? We all have our own version of this handy little “if-only” phrase—mostly to keep us from taking personal responsibility for what we do have the ability to influence. It is so much easier to identify why we are not moving forward because of some factor outside of ourselves, than to look inward and find what we do have to leverage (our strengths) and what we might need to examine (our weaknesses).

I have a news flash for you!  The only“if-only” that is going to get you somewhere is when the “if” is about you and your own behavior and thought processes.  It is an inside-out process to influence change around us.

Consider this idea: there are 4 levels of leadership in any organization, each which requires some action or development[1]—

• At the Personal level, you must become Confidently Vulnerable in both your strengths/weaknesses—this means you understand and accept both your strengths and weaknesses, without arrogance or judgment.
• At the Interpersonal level, you must build relationships of trust (based on an open understanding of strengths and weakness—of both yourself and others).
• At the Team level, Interdependence must be created—where there is confident contribution from strengths, and humble leaning into others’ strengths to mitigate weakness.
• At the Organization level, great results are produced as individuals and teams increasingly operate from Confident Vulnerability, trust, and Interdependence.

Most people want to be part of an organization that is really winning, that produces great results, that is going somewhere, doing something really special. But can you have an organization that produces remarkable results if your teams are not working well together? Is it possible for teams to work well together if the interpersonal relationships within the team are not trusting?

Where does it all begin?

It starts with you and I, looking ourselves in the mirror, and being honest about who we really are, what we are bringing, and where we are not so strong and where we may need to allow others’ strengths to complement us.  It is getting comfortable in our own skin—enough that we can stop pretending to be something we are not.  That makes us more authentic, more genuine, more credible. It helps us create more trusting relationships with others, and also gives them permission to reciprocate. It is from this foundation that teams and organizations really begin to create the results that are possible.

Now, if you dislike the word vulnerability, or the idea that accompanies it, join the troops! That word is scary. Yet it is a surprising distinguishing factor of those who thrive, those who live at sustained Interdependence.

Brene Brown spent nearly 10 years looking for the discriminating factors that separated those who thrived in creating strong, effective, sustained relationships (Interdependence!), and those who repeatedly failed. After thousands of interviews, and pages and pages of data were reviewed, she reported finding only one significant variable that occurred in every situation:  vulnerability[1].

When one takes a close look at vulnerability, what it means, and what it needs in order to be of service, there is an interesting observation. Vulnerability, by itself, can actually look an awful lot like Dependence. It has the connotation of appearing needy, demanding, insecure, weak, powerless, or uncertain. We find ourselves experiencing a deep aversion to these things, thus avoiding vulnerability altogether, or the appearance of vulnerability.

But what if vulnerability were paired with confidence? 

Over the years, as I have worked with thousands of individuals and organizations, an interesting discovery emerged. The strongest leaders were not just vulnerable—they were confidently vulnerable. They understood who they were, what they could contribute, and how they could make a difference in others’ lives. They also understood what they were not, what they needed, and they strategically leveraged their own and others’ strengths to mitigate their weakness. This gave them the confidence to be vulnerable, to be open to others and allow them the chance to shine.

Ironically, their confident vulnerability, their willingness to contribute what they had to bring, and declare where they were not as strong, and ask for help, gave others room to contribute their strengths and built up the confidence of others. As others around them became more confident in their own contribution, those same individuals also found the courage to be vulnerable, to share both their strengths and their weakness, and to rely on others to help them be more effective. Thus, confident vulnerability produced confident vulnerability, and accelerated the journey toward Interdependence.

Consider this:

When Confidence is high and Vulnerability is low there is a tendency toward Independence—siloism, even sometimes arrogance. There is an unwillingness to see and hear others’ perspectives, or to consider one’s one blind spots.

If Vulnerability is high and Confidence is low, this can place us at Dependence, leaving us needy, exposed, insecure, struggling, and uncertain.

If both Confidence and Vulnerability are low, this often leads individuals to the transactional experiences associated with Codependence, and they feel stuck in an association which is not very satisfying.

If, however, individuals are able to be both Confident and Vulnerable—they know what they are, they know what they’re not—they are then able to operate from Interdependence. 

Interdependence is where our greatest results come. It is the place of our deepest sense of fulfillment, because we really know that we are bringing something that matters. We also know that others have our backs—that even with our weaknesses, we are okay, valuable, and we don’t have to be in fear of judgment.

For most of us, this is the deepest desire of our hearts. And we are only one confidently vulnerable step away from getting there.

You are delighted when you find the Mall Map, and discover a big yellow arrow, blinking like a neon light, which says loudly, “You Are Here!”  Relief floods over you, as you can see exactly where you are relative to where you want to be.

The Strengths Strategy Model is like a Mall Map, reflecting the different places you might find yourself. In moments of frustration, when you may feel a little out of touch with where you really want to be, you can reference it to see where you are, and how to get to the destination you most desire.

Interdependence

Everyone wants to live at Interdependence, where the message is I serve us, so we can serve others. The focus here is on contributing together to make a difference somehow in the world. Here, we find individuals elevating others, both sharing strengths and drawing out contributions of others, recognizing needs, and being patient with the differences that emerge. There is a place for everyone at Interdependence, where all strengths are seen and valued, differences are respected, and there is curiosity about other perspectives.

However, many of us find that we tend to inhabit the other places a little more frequently—even though we desire to be at Interdependence. Our society does not necessarily teach and support Interdependence very well, and it is often difficult to create.

Dependence

Sometimes you might find yourself spending time at Dependence—the message here being, “you serve me.” When you are here, you find yourself waiting for someone else to see your potential, give you a chance to shine, and meet your unique needs. When others don’t seem to see your contribution or understand your needs, you feel a little frustrated and wonder what is wrong with them.

Independence

Other times, you may find yourself tired of waiting for someone else to make a place for your strengths to make a contribution, or your needs to be met, and you may set up temporary residence at Independence, where the message is “I serve me.” Independence is not a bad place, but it is a lonely one. It is like an island in a sea—and sometimes the sea is a sea of humanity, of co-workers, family, friends who are moving about you, in and out of your life. You may notice that you are never really finding the rhythm of deeper connection with them. Others’ needs or contributions are mostly irrelevant here, and the focus is on getting your work done, giving your best shot, making sure your own needs are met. You may even steamroll inadvertently over others, in an attempt to ensure that your own perspective wins out, and you get what is important to you.

Codepencence

Somewhere along the way, you may realize that the victimization of Dependence and the siloism of Independence is not where you get your best results. Most of us recognize the need for teamwork—however, our world has not necessarily conditioned us to work effectively with others, and so many of us aren’t quite sure how to create the deep interdependence we long for. Instead, we may find ourselves creating a faux interdependence, known as Codependence, the message being “I serve you, SO that you will serve me.”

Codependence is a transactional place, where niceties are swapped, with informal price tags attached. There is an expectation of reciprocity, and while the outward focus can appear very idealistic, the inward intention is actually somewhat manipulative. Here, we are meeting the needs of others in exchange for their meeting our needs. In our work places and personal lives, codependence can also appear as a place of collusion around mutual negative feelings. Individuals living from here are creating a tribe for themselves, to satisfy their need for belonging—although the kind of collaboration that occurs here is often destructive and hurtful to the larger group.

Toxic Triangle

If you look closely at the lower triangle, you will discover that the three corners there have something in common. All of them—Dependence, Independence, and Codependence—are focused on me. There is a deep concern for my needs, my perspective being heard, my contribution being significant to others. The lower triangle is a self-preoccupied place, and it can be a trap to us, to our ability to create outstanding results.

This triangle is what I have come to call the Toxic Triangle. It is characterized by four key behaviors that serve as important feedback mechanisms to let you know when you are there, just like the arrow on the Mall Map at the Mall of America. Consider these behaviors, and check yourself to see if they are true for you:

1. Blaming/Criticism can occur either inwardly toward oneself or outwardly toward others. It may be spoken, or may occur as a thought.
2. Defensiveness often takes place in connection with the other behaviors. There is a feeling that accompanies it that we, alone, are right. We are closed, and unappreciative of other ideas or perspectives.
3. Stonewalling can take many faces. It may look like the silent treatment, or avoiding another at all costs. It may show up as inauthentic politeness, where we circle one another and never speak openly about what is happening. Here we are working hard to build walls that keep us safe.
4. Contempt often looks like sarcasm, name-calling, or may take the face of bullying. There is a feeling of dislike or deep disregard that accompanies contempt, as if the other person is beneath us.[1]

Most of us have spent time in the Toxic Triangle. In fact, many individuals have set up permanent residence there, and seem unable to find a different way to be in relationship with others. As if pulled by an invisible gravity, we may be sucked downward, unable to escape its grasp. We might go around and around, unsure of how to get out, experiencing frustrating results that don’t get us where we want to be.

Confident Vulnerability

The key to getting out of the Toxic Triangle—AND the key to living in Interdependence is a little known idea called Confident Vulnerability. Confident vulnerability is simply the idea that you know what you are (your strengths), you know what you’re not (your weaknesses), and both are okay. As we become comfortable with what we are able to bring to others, and quit trying to be what we are not, we are positioned both to make our best contribution, and receive the complementary contributions of others, which make us synergistically more able to get remarkable results.

Figure 1: Expanding Contribution

Our capacity for contribution (shown here by ever expanding arcs) is a function of two very critical things:

Knowing—implies having the understanding, information, and insight necessary to act in win-win ways to both you and others. It involves self-awareness, understanding of others, and a deep acumen in the area where your strengths best position you to make a difference.

Doing—is the capacity to wisely use the knowledge you have in order to make a meaningful impact, which serves both you and others. It implies proficiency in applying one’s strengths in service of something bigger than self [see Figure 1: Expanding Contribution].

Principles of Expanding Contribution

How we see our strengths and feel about our weaknesses directly impacts our ability to access the different kinds of knowledge which we are increasingly able to retrieve as we mature (see Figure 2: Principles of Expanding Contribution). It deeply effects both Knowing and Doing—in fact, it has the potential to minimize or expand both, and thus, to diminish or increase the reach of our contribution.

Figure 2: Principles of Expanding Contribution

It is important to note that we cannot expand our contribution, and access deeper kinds of knowledge without honoring the principles that are associated with, and precede them. For example, seeing and applying strengths is a foundational principle, which expands one’s capacity for Conscious Knowing and contribution through applying that knowledge. It is also a foundational principle upon which embracing weakness and honoring others’ strengths and weaknesses rests. It seems that there is an unspoken law of the universe that suggests that as we live foundational  principles, we are then better prepared to live the higher principles. Algebra comes before calculus.

Let’s see how this works with respect to our ability to increasingly make meaningful contribution.

Conscious Knowing

Conscious Knowing is what most of us consider as our knowledge base. In a nutshell, it is that knowledge that we are aware that we have—we simply know that we know. This may include facts, ideas, data, vocabulary, and information about ourselves, others, the world around us, and the way it works. As we increasingly see and apply strengths we are able to learn better and faster, mitigate weaknesses which may interfere with contribution or learning, and challenge our own limits, so that our ability to learn and contribute is exponentially increased.

Unconscious Knowing

There is a level of intuition, of instinctive insight that lies outside the realm of what we consciously know that we know. We call this Unconscious Knowing—what we unthinkingly and innately know, of which we are not aware. This includes ideas, skills, strategies, understanding of our self, others, or the world that comes to us with ease and a sixth-sense kind of sensitivity. We may find ourselves offering a brilliant answer, or responding magnificently to someone’s need or a situation without having any premeditated idea about how to approach the situation. We suddenly just seemed to know exactly what to do.

Notice that as we see and apply our strengths (which deepens our Conscious Knowing) we are also more readily able to honor the higher principle associated with reaching into our Unconscious Knowing: that of embracing weaknesses. As we understand and embrace our weakness, the anxiety that prevents us from accessing our instinctual knowing is inadvertently eliminated. It means that we hold our strengths with a quiet and humble confidence, along with nonjudgmentally examining and addressing our weaknesses—in other words, we know what we are, and we know what we are not, and both are okay. This approach keeps us from becoming trapped by the fear of our weakness which has the potential to shut us down and minimize our ability to perform with effectiveness.

Universal Knowing

In a world that is so preoccupied with independent achievement, we often miss the remarkable information available to us at the infinite level of knowing which might be called Universal Knowing. This level of knowing includes the information, ideas, perspectives, and possibilities that are all around us, only accessible with and through others. It is endless and unbounded in its reach. When we tap into Universal Knowing, we are calling upon the strengths of others, who see things completely differently than we do. It gives us access to other perspectives we are not able to intuitively retrieve through our own power.

Universal Knowing is available to us, only as we get to the point of really appreciating and honoring both the strengths and weaknesses of others. The idea of honoring others’ weaknesses may seem like a strange one, yet, “As we function from a place of Interdependence, there comes a shared understanding that potentially one’s weaknesses could be someone else’s job description,” (Christy Strauch). We stop fearing or judging their presence and our only desire is to find a way for everyone to be their most effective and capable self—for the sake of the contribution we individually and collectively are making to the world .

There is a way that both strengths and weaknesses open the door for us to be serving one another and helping each other to be maximally effective—particularly as our minds are focused on contribution to others, rather than on ourselves. The humility associated with our weaknesses removes judgment, so that we might design complementary relationships which mitigate the effects of weakness. As we celebrate others’ strengths and stop judging their weaknesses, our willingness to experience Interdependence increases. Everyone is more able to access all three levels of learning as this happens—and our contributions, individually and collectively, expand exponentially.

Take my client, Emily (not her real name) for example—a gifted director of a large division of a highly profitable company. Emily has the remarkable strength which Gallup calls Empathy. She is very attuned to the needs of others, and can feel what others feel—but often, she is unable to turn it off. She is a veritable human barometer, tuned to all the hurt and pain around her, and can often become sad and frustrated very easily. Those feelings can create anxiety and trigger her strength of Responsibility, leaving her to take ownership for every problem that comes her way, and leave her working way harder to solve the problems of her direct reports—harder than they, themselves, do. Of course, they love this about her. But it is burning her out and has caused more-than-usual sick days and unexplained illnesses, not to mention the feelings of overwhelm she experiences every day in her work.

All of us likely have an over-use pattern associated with our strengths, whether it is becoming overly trapped by the emotions of others, being overly responsible in solving problems, over-thinking something, or acting too quickly. We are triggered unexpectedly by situations that invite us to draw on our strengths—but sometimes we act instinctively without considering the ramifications.

How do you know you are over-using a strength?

First, notice what it feels like when you do. Often, it starts out innocently. Our strengths kick in to solve a problem, or respond to a crisis. We put our heads down, dig our heels in, and start to move. Energy is high and it feels good. This is in part the gift in our strengths.

But more is not always better. The first piece of chocolate cake tastes amazing, but fifteen pieces later, you might start to feel kind of sick, and wish you had stopped sooner.

Using strengths is kind of like that.

If you are over-using your strengths, inevitably you will find yourself beginning to feel frustration, tension, and other negative emotions. You will find yourself more critical of others, less open to them, because you are increasingly trapped by your own strengths perspective. It can begin to have negative ramifications, and impact your ability to perform effectively, as well as relate positively to others. This tells you that you may have the volume control turned up a little too high on one or two of your strengths, and it is time to dial back just a bit.

That is when you have the power to choose. You can mentally reset the volume control, just a little lower. You might find a different strength to focus on, which also brings you energy—and automatically the over-used strength begins to soften, dial back, and slip back into balance. As you are increasingly tuned into yourself, you can become very adept at managing to use your strengths in balance with one another—rather than dialing up one strength or another and letting it play a grand solo.

Playing from a balanced set of strengths is like contributing to a grand symphony, where each strength raises its voice in harmony with the others to create a remarkable and beautiful outcome. That is so much better than one strength (or instrument!) playing solo.

Where are you overusing your strengths? What strength can you dial up to help you manage that overuse pattern?

Over the past 20 years as an organizational consultant, I have worked with hundreds of brilliant and remarkable leaders. I have been amazed by the dedication of so many of them, their genuine care for people, their commitment to excellence and creating remarkable results. In spite of the greatness of so many marvelous leaders, in my mind, there is one who stands out head and shoulders above them all. I recognize there is a bit of bias in my opinion, but nonetheless, I feel compelled to share his story, since there is something in it that seems somewhat true for all of us.

The most amazing leader I have ever known is Dallas Thompson. He led quietly, and created interdependence wherever he went. He gave his gifts away, contributing unassumingly to thousands of lives through the course of his career. He directed the LDS Church Social Services agency, which covered over 2.9 million kilometers—almost 1/3 of Canada. He coached, counseled, mentored, and guided hundreds of staff, leaders from other organizations, and individuals who came to him for direction and help over the years. He made significant strategic changes to processes and systems, increased communication and collaboration between individuals and agencies, and he assisted in creating personal transformation over and over again for thousands of people.

Now, there is something I should share with you here, which will reveal my bias towards his remarkable leadership. This amazing man was my father.

When lymphoma finally took his life exactly a year ago, hundreds of individuals attended his funeral and sent messages of inspiration, sharing the stories of how he had served and infinitely changed their lives. We, his family, were mostly unaware of the magnitude of his impact. In fact, most people did not realize that there were thousands of others who had experienced the same gentle, life-altering touch from this humble, unassuming man.

Here is the irony. This great man touched thousands of lives, yet somehow was virtually oblivious to it. He didn’t know—and right up to his death, was questioning whether or not he had done enough, been enough, served enough, and if he had really made a contribution of value to others. The journal pages of his past ten years repeated over and over this concern and his disappointment that his gifts had simply not been enough or created the kind of positive impact which he wanted to make.

This story may be yours—or the story of individuals you are admiring every day, thinking they know that somehow their strengths are being used in a way that has a positive impact. Yet, how many do not know? How many are simply unaware of their contribution, or how their strengths are being used to make a difference? Who do you need to tell today?

When we make a commitment to share our appreciation for others’ gifts, something remarkable happens for us. As we appreciate and acknowledge the contributions of another, there is a rebound effect, and we find ourselves feeling strengthened, more confident, and knowing that at least for the person we recognized, we made a difference. We helped someone see what they could not see without our help. That gives us greater energy and a deeper commitment to share our strengths with others—and the world around us is blessed just a little bit more as we do.

Thomas Merton said it best: “Then it was as if I suddenly saw the secret beauty of their hearts, the depths of their hearts where neither sin nor desire nor self-knowledge can reach, the core of their reality…. if only they could see themselves as they really are. If only we could see each other that way all the time, there would be no more war, no more hatred, no more cruelty, no more greed… I suppose the big problem would be that we would fall down and worship each other.”

We are all mirrors to one another. We cannot see our own greatness very readily, and we need one another to help us see the difference we are making in each other’s lives. Who do you need to be a mirror for today? What impact would it have if you did? What would happen if we all became mirrors for one another’s greatness—how would that change the world around us? How would it change your world?

Find out how: make YOUR difference today!